dahnajeen

Walk with me for a moment. Please think of a great injustice from history – a systemic denial of rights to a group.

There are a sad plenty to choose from – different issues, different groups denied, but they share common traits.

Likely the one you picked is memorable because of the battle for equality and justice it spurred. You remember, or have learned about, major events of that fight and the people of the denied group who were major players in it.

Their efforts were great and they should be honored for them. They wrote and spoke reason to any who would listen. Some of their eloquently worded reasonings have since become famous published works, still inspiring to read.

They asked for, then demanded, then fought for what was right. They demonstrated – quietly while seated, boycotting, striking – and loud loudly in the streets. They made sacrifices in order to be heard. Some even died in the fight.

Not every battle was successful, but some were. They at least gained some ground for those who came after them, and we thank them for that.

The positive changes we’ve seen would never have happened – or even been considered – without the work and sacrifice of these people – these people of the denied group who fought to bring about change.

But the other part of these victories – the other part of what was then and still is necessary – is sometimes forgotten. Mostly by the people who most need to remember it.

The injustices made more just, the rights won that were previously denied, were not, and would not have been won ONLY through the efforts of those denied those rights. Oppression is not lifted alone by those underneath it.

In any fight against the denial of justice and equality, it is vital that some of those in the privileged group recognize their privilege, admit the wrong, and join in the fight to make it right. Good people have done that. They aligned themselves with a group — whose very existence made theirs a privileged one — and fought beside them for equality.

Perhaps the most obvious example is the vote. Black men – and then 50 years later, all women – would never have been granted the right to vote without the consent of enough of those who already had it.

The same is true of any struggle for equal voice, freedom, decision-making power, rights of any kind, and just plain respect. Recently I heard a comedian I otherwise enjoy say in an interview – quite seriously, not as a joke – that women’s fight for equality is “their thing” – that the issue of women’s rights has nothing to do with him because he’s a man. Oh, but it does, Bill. It does.

People with privilege of any kind owe it to the society they are part of to recognize, examine, and question that privilege – because privilege cannot exist without oppression. They are two sides of the same coin. Our goal should be to have less of both, ideally none of either.

White privilege in the Jim Crow era existed because of the denial of rights to Blacks. If everyone had been drinking freely from any water fountain, eating in any restaurant, swimming together in public pools, moving around everywhere with the same degree of safety and security, all receiving the same educations and employment opportunities — then where’s the White privilege?

If women can get credit cards and loans in their own names (which they could not before 1974), if they get equal educational opportunities, equal consideration for employment, and equal pay for equal work (which they have not in the past), if they are considered adults in their own right instead of an appendage of a man, allowed to make adult decisions, their points of view heard and considered equally with those of men, including their vote — then, where’s the male privilege?

I’ll tell you where the male privilege is – still right here, just smaller than it used to be and not happy about it. The shrinking of male privilege has happened gradually over many years in direct proportion to the growth of women’s rights and equality. Now some men, with the help and support of some deluded women, are trying to grow it back. Because *“When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.”

And the same is true of White privilege. Still right here, only lessened over many years, with some trying to restore it to its former “glory.”

I focused on only two groups in my examples, one of which is the only one where I am not a member of the privileged group. So, I realize it is not easy to know what to do about it. But I know the one step any and all of us can take is to ACKNOWLEDGE the existence of inequality and of privilege when it is ours. Own it. Admit it. It’s not everything, but it’s something. The denial of inequality in the face of someone experiencing it adds to the hurt. The denial of privilege helps it to continue. And the continuation of privilege is the continuation of oppression.

* I’ve seen this quotation attributed to different people. Not sure who should get credit, but it isn’t me. I just read it and saw the truth in it.

I would not have survived the world you are creating now.

If what is happening in this country now had happened a few decades ago, it would very likely have killed me (as it already has other women.)

My daughter would also have likely died from the very same cause – if she had ever even been born – but she wouldn’t have, because I would have died of a septic infection before I could have brought her into the world.

If what is happening now – especially if everything being attempted or planned is successful – had happened then, it definitely would have made my world – which was already smaller than yours – even smaller, my boundaries and obstacles – already greater than yours – even greater, and my rights – already fewer than yours – even fewer. And that is what it will do to your daughters’ and granddaughters’ lives.

Knowing you applaud and cheer as we head backward toward that world infuriates me.

And knowing now – as I do, because I’ve seen your response to other women hurt by him – that if I were sexually assaulted by a man you for some reason you respect (or maybe by any man at all) you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. You would be no protection or comfort to me. You would believe him just because he said he didn’t do it. That absolutely breaks my heart.

Perhaps it is because deep down you really are, at least in part, very much like him.

Maybe that’s not it. Maybe you’re better than that, but you are completely fooled by all of his lies (because you won’t listen to anything BUT those lies.) You believe he is who he says he is and do not see what he really is.

Or maybe it is simply because you just would not vote for a woman (who just happened to be the most highly qualified person to ever run for the office.)

Whatever the reason, the end result is the same. And it is all disgusting.

If you live long enough, you will see how wrong you are right now. You probably won’t acknowledge it, but you will see. It will be impossible not to. You will see then how on the wrong side of history you are right now. What evil and disgrace you are supporting.

But it will be too late.

You won’t be able to undo it. Others will suffer because of your blindness, your gullibility, your lack of compassion, the hate and racism you hold in your heart and don’t even recognize for what it is.

People who come later – – if they are still able to access an accurate history of how things used to be here, before we started going backwards – – will be shocked. They will ask then, like many of us do now, “How?! How did this happen? How could they have been so deceived?”

You showed me so many times who you are now. But I didn’t believe you.

Because I didn’t want to.

I couldn’t bear letting go of who I thought you were. Who you used to be.

I miss that person so much.

You should have lost me long ago.

Likely, you would not have noticed,
But I feared the cold if I let the fire die.

So, I kept the fire.
All alone, like my mother before me,
I have watched and tended, kept the flames alive.

But now I see –
I have been burned a few times,
But I am no longer warmed,
By this fire I keep coming to alone.

It does not ask to be kept alive.
I will let it be.
I will not douse the flame,
But I will not tend it all alone.
If it continues to burn, it will be because you feed it.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them . . . the first time.”
— Maya Angelou

Believe them the first time. Don’t wait for them to keep ON showing you. Because they will.

It’s such good advice. I believed it and thought I was following it. I was, as far as it goes, but I’ve realized it needs to go a little further. Maybe not everyone needs this part spelled out, but apparently, I do.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time and then TAKE ACTION based on that knowledge!

Don’t just sit there nodding your head and KNOWING it. How does that help you? DO the thing or STOP DOING the thing like somebody with good sense would if they knew what you know about this person!

Among other things, that may be:

> Saying no to a date (or to another one)
> Refusing to loan (or invest) money
> Keeping your secrets to yourself
> Looking for a new job now instead of later
> Something else

As I deal with the impact of not taking action sooner, I am somewhat comforted by this other famous bit of wisdom from Maya Angelou. “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

I’m trying, Maya.

And then she said, “Everything in the universe has a rhythm. Everything dances. No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.”

If I had magic, here is the first thing I would do with it:

Tomorrow, all misogynist men will wake up as women. Each of them will retain full awareness and memory of their entire previous life as a man – all the things they’ve ever done, said, and thought. They will still have the same attitudes and opinions as they do today – at first. 

But they will now be completely, totally, and undeniably women. They won’t understand how it happened. But they will know. And no one will believe them. 

All they can do is just start living their lives as women and do the best they can. They will remain as such until they get it. Then they can come back.

Each will be relatively as attractive or unattractive as a woman as they were as a man. A man who was a hunk will be a gorgeous woman. An unattractive man will be an unattractive woman. Average will be average.

Oh, and this is important. They will be YOUNG women – late teens or early 20s – no matter how old their male selves are today – so they can get the full experience. 

No. Sorry, Brother. You can’t start off with that increased assertiveness and confidence women usually gain (by necessity) as they age. You have to grow that yourself. (But go find one of those strong, older women if you’re ever in real trouble. They’ll have your back.)

Yeah and you don’t get to be already through menopause. You have a few decades (or until you get it) till then, so buckle up. Better get yourself a little calendar, some Midol or whatever over the counter pain reliever you find works best for you, and other supplies, and then plan all your life activities around approximately 80% of the days you had fully available to you as a man. 

These young women will begin to age normally every day from that point. How old they get as women depends on how long it takes them to get it. When they really truly get it, they can come back and be men again. 

But they will be different men. 

Or if they never get it and never come back – oh well! No more misogynist men! 

I have some plans for bigots, selfish or corrupt wealthy people, and run-of-the-mill bullies and jerks as well. I may share those later. Now where do I get me some magic?

Come with me down one of my rabbit trails if you will. (It starts happy and ends sad, so you can stop here if you want.)

Yesterday, I saw an adorable video of a little boy singing Al Green’s “Let’s stay together” with his mother. Oh my goodness so adorable.

Listening to that tune reminded me of hearing President Obama singing the first part of it years ago, so I had to go look it up and listen to it again. (Oooh Michelle, you’re a lucky woman!)

Anyway that led me to one of him singing “Sweet Home Chicago” at a performance at the White House. Cool.

Then to one of him singing Amazing Grace . . . at the funeral of Clementa Carlos Pinckney, who was murdered by a racist during a church service in Charleston in 2015. :😢

Which made me remember this one. By Joan Baez.

https://youtu.be/m9iYBifsOPI?si=Jp282u1e-BIf4vme